And that's how we got the Constitution

It's funny how whenever there's a group decision made, personal interests always come into play. It seems inseparable. Of course, this becomes a problem when personal satisfaction won't necessarily bring about group satisfaction. Recusal needs to become an option more often. Would it improve America? Yes, yes it would.

But football players were already fat!

If 60% of a baseball team's bullpen was found to be on steroids, it would be front page news. So what happens when news breaks that 3 starting linemen, among other players on the 2004 Carolina Panthers, were using steroids that year? Well, nothing. Maybe baseball players are just held to higher standards. Either way, it's total hypocracy that baseball players get exorciated just for playing in the "steroid era," but a team that makes the Super Bowl isn't criticized at all for using steroids.

Namely, the ability to get a case of root beer and only lug it two feet

Living right in the nightlife of a city is truly unbeatable. When I get hungry at 2 AM, I can just take a short walk to Jimmy John's and grab a sandwich. When I go out to bars, I don't have to stumble too far to get home. And when I want to grab some breakfast before class, and am too lazy to make it myself, I have all the good breakfast places right across from me. It sure does justify any extra travel time I may incur.

I'll take hackneyed references for 200, Alex

Is there really anything funnier than a sore loser? I took part in a little Jeopardy contest today, for money. And as anyone who knows me will tell you, you do not go against me in Jeopardy, especially for money. You might as well go running with scissors on hot coals barefoot. But after the inevitable happened (out of a possible 70 points, I got 49, and I think I got slighted on at least 3 questions. Second place was 8.), this one guy, a certifiable asshole, just kept complaining. He kept insisting that I only won because I'm just fast, and since it was Teen Jeopardy, everyone knew all the answers, but no one could beat me to the punch. First of all, it isn't true (if it was real Jeopardy, I may have gotten less, but he wouldn't have gotten any. I would have gotten 30 points easy). But dude, you lost. Accept it. You're not as smart as you think you are. It doesn't mean you're dumb, but you look even worse when you can't stop complaining about it.

If I don't get on Jeopardy at some point in my life, it will be a disappointment. That's nothing new though.

We're not going to get along

You know a party is lame when "Move Along" by All-American Rejects is playing.

The important thing to a group concerning its parties is evolution. If a party is the same every time, it should be done after two times.

Because I'm more important

I get the whole concept of time zones, and for the most part, support it. But do Central and Mountain time really need to exist? I mean, it's an hour different from the two time zones in this country that do matter. And every national event refers only to those two time zones. No TV channel says 8 Central/7 Mountain, for example. You'll get the 8 Eastern/7 Central, and for something that can't be localized as much, such as satellite radio, you'll have 8 Eastern/5 Pacific. No mention of the other two zones. People can just figure out what time to tune in from that, even if they're in one of the two meaningless zones. And if people start to think "Oh hey, it gets dark at 6 now," in due time they won't even realize the difference and just shift their lives an hour earlier.

Of course, this would make things for more confusing when moving from say, Chicago to New York, when your life would have to shift an hour ahead now. And since the whole time zone thing was started here to help farmers, forcing the Great Plains area and such to shift seems counterintuitive. But hey, it would be more convenient for me.

Who's your daddy now, bitch?

There's something special about Snakes on a Plane. The movie is just so bad, its perfect. It even has an ending that pretty much comes out of nowhere. In a real movie, it would have been awful. But Snakes on a Plane may be ther perfect movie (except if you want to watch something that's actually good).

The Glad bag was a close eighteenth

Is there a more underrated invention than the Zip-lock bag? I was packing today, and I was able to put some clothes in this big Zip-lock bag (which was more expensive than your average Zip-lock bag. It's supposed to be especially for packing, but really, it's just a big Zip-lock bag with some valve type thing. These parenthetical digressions are awful writing, I apologize. Remember, putting clothes in the bag...and go) which was designed to take the air out of the bag, thus saving space and allowing more stuff to be packed. And lo and behold, despite needing two suitcases for the first trip, and adding stuff in between, I'm totally packed with one suitcase. Because of the Zip-lock bag (three of them, to be precise). Fantastic.

And while I'm here, I have to comment about last night's Entourage. This show has long been in the Pantheon (recently joined by It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, meanwhile), but after the last couple weeks, it may need a new category. Simply brilliant. There hasn't been a better Entourage moment than Drama's haymaker to Seth Green's crony (rivaled only by Arrested Development's lessons), and then last night finding a way to weave in a Hollywood legend (Martin Landau, who should be given an Emmy - I was on the floor whenever he opened his mouth. But a post for a later date: who wears a bowtie?), a Suge Knight-Vanilla Ice reference (Saigon's old manager hanging Drama off the balcony. If Suge Knight had walked out instead of whoever that actor was, I would have died laughing) and the greatest band of all-time (the Ramones). Not to mention some great one-liners from Turtle (If I don't find him, I'm going to kill myself by eating all your Propecia pills!) and Lloyd (You called him a douchebag? That's not nice, E). Just outstanding. I'm going to go out on a limb and say it: better than Arrested Development in its prime. Arrested Development is better for repeated viewing, but for the first viewing, it's Entourage hands-down.

And one more thing (for Entourage, I can go on for hours. My ex-girlfriend claims to be a huge Entourage fan. The only episodes she's ever seen are ones she saw at my house, and when she first saw it, she hated it and only watched it because I sat through Sex and the City for her. Me, I've liked the show since day one and can and will talk about it until someone stops me. And I had to get that thing off my chest about my ex - it really annoys me how people are huge fans of things, but really show no dedication): in the show, Vince as Joey Ramone is great. But if it was all real, I would not want Vincent Chase to play Joey Ramone. Aquaman as a punk rock legend? Are you kidding me? Pablo Escobar on the other hand...I could even buy Jake Gyllenhaal as Joey (after Donnie Darko, it's definitely possible). Johnny Depp would probably be perfect, but that's aiming too high. Then again, Vince is supposed to be the next Johnny Depp (something my ex and many other Entourage "fans" probably have no idea about since they never watched the second episode), so you never know. It would depend on how he is in Queens Boulevard, and if he ended up getting Medellin, how he was in that. The more I think about it, he could pull it off. But for someone like Joey Ramone, I would want someone I know could pull off the attitude instead of just a superhero.

And on the eighth day

Oreos and peanut butter. Yes.

Its name was Cornelius

Yesterday was my last day of work. I kind of stole a pen from work some time around the second week. It was a black, Papermate ball-point pen. I just took it home one day and kept bringing it back and forth to make sure I always had a pen. If I lost it in the office (meaning someone borrowed it and never gave it back), I would just take a new one from the same drawer. I would bring the pen back and forth, every day, without exception.

I left my black, Papermate ball-point pen at work yesterday.

Number 31 + 2

The return of Mike Piazza to Shea Stadium highlighted an interesting juxtaposition: the adoration of a former star, who left the team on amicable terms and the desire to win baseball games. Playing in Shea Stadium as a visitor for the first time since leaving the Mets, he got a standing ovation every time he stepped up, and last night, was treated to a curtain call as a visiting player. But then, when he came up with a chance to win the game, he went from New York hero to traitor, and strangely, was both at the same time. As that third fly ball soared through the night, on a collision course with the apple behind the centerfield fence, half of the stadium was on its feet, cheering for their hero, and the other half slouched back in their seats, seeing another game slip away. Then, when the ball fell into Carlos Beltran's glove, everything was okay again. Piazza gave the fans a show: two long homeruns and a third blast that fell just short, returning the love showed to him by New York, but the Mets still had the lead, and would still win the game.

Maybe when his Padres contract is done at the end of the year, he'll retire and come back to New York to announce/coach in the Mets system. But the past three games have shown one thing (aside from the Mets clear dominance of the major leagues): Mike Piazza could run for Senate in New York as an independent and win hands down. Too bad he's a Republican.

The sequel will be Bears in Day Care

There is only one true genius in America right now (even Omar Minaya signed Jose Lima): the person who greenlit Snakes on a Plane. The movie, replete with Samuel L Jackson and a horrendous song, looks absolutely awful, and is of course a phenomenon and will likely be the #1 movie the weekend it is released. With all the bad movies and bad TV shows and bad CDs and bad everything that's currently saturating pop culture, how does something like Snakes on a Plane become so bad that it's a must-see? People love Fall Out Boy, but somehow think lyrics like "I'm just a notch in your bed post/but you're just a line in a song" are incredibly poignant. It doesn't seem like anyone actually believes that Snakes on a Plane will be any good. It will be hilarious because Samuel L Jackson will punch a snake, not because it will scare anyone.

I just hope this is a phase, and soon people realize that Fall Out Boy (and especially Panic no exclamation point At The Disco) are actually awful, and they'll just go away.

Religion

Today I saw some kid, couldn't have been more than 5 years old, wearing a yarmulke and those tassels (I can't remember the name, something with a p?). That's one of the main problems I have with religion. I'm fine if someone's religious and all, but when you're 5 years old, how can you possibly know that you, as a person, believe in the religion. Of course, the kid's parents believe that Orthodox Judaism is the path to heaven, and they want to raise him to believe that also, but the kid should be able to figure that out on his own. Say he goes through life, and finds Buddhism appealing. Should he be forced to think that his parents are deliberately lying to him by saying Orthodox Judaism is the way to go?

That's one of the beauties of religion - that there are so many options. If you believe that the world was created by an all-powerful all-knowing emu, there's probably a religion for you to believe in. But this example is one of the ways that religion really goes awry. These parents are clearly loving, caring parents who want their son to go to heaven and believe that showing the top of your head is an affront to God. They're doing what they think is best for their son. Unfortunately, their son now might not get to make up his own mind about religion. He might be forced to believe something that really just doesn't feel right to him.

If I was God (ha, if) and I was making rules about religion, I would try to make it such that religion really didn't enter a child's life until he or she was about 13. Let the kid be raised secularly and make up his or her own mind. There will still be the massive influences of the parents. But at least the child won't feel forced to believe something without forming the ability to really rebel.

Then again, I'm probably just going to hell (I did just say I was God...), so who knows. Damn my secular upbringing!

I blame it on Will Shortz

I've spent the past half hour or so doing Yahoo crossword puzzles. Ever since I saw Wordplay, I've just had this intense craving for crossword puzzles (I couldn't get today's Times puzzle for the life of me. Tear). But as far as puzzles go, there really is nothing better than crossword puzzles. You've got the need for random intelligence, but also the ability to detect patterns and foresee solutions that you don't have just quite yet. If you have a word across, for example, you can figure out letters in the down clue even if you don't really know, since you can be pretty certain that an D won't follow a K (see, I originally had M instead of D, but KMart could always be a clue, and then I'd just like foolish. I'll just stick to writing about the differences between fictional superheroes).

These are essential life skills. If I were a surgeon, and I saw that my surgery might get a little complicated, I'd know how to figure out how to fix the problem, even if I wasn't trained for this: get my ass out of the OR and get the Times crossword puzzle in front of me ASAP.

And Batman totally would be able to finish a Times Thursday in 2 minutes. Superman would be lucky to get under 10.

James Bond could beat them both

Batman vs. Superman is the new pirates vs. ninjas. It certainly seems like Superman has the edge. Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, can leap tall buildings with a single bound, etc. And Kal-El is a pretty sweet name. But Batman...there's something about Batman. He's a smart dude. If there's a problem, god damn will he fix it. And he doesn't need to rely on any alien powers to do it either. The Joker's on the loose? Get Batman! Still haven't found Osama? Put up the bat sign and Osama will be rolling around on the White House lawn in time for midterm elections. If it was Superman, you know Osama would find a way to get his hands on some primo Afghani kryptonite. And even Hawkgirl could defeat Lex Luthor.

That said, I still am kind of partial to Superman. I donned the blue and red for Halloween when I was about 5....the debate continues.

You could fry an egg on the sidewalk, but that would be disgusting

On days like today, when its 100 degrees in New York City, the question must be asked: why isn't there an ice cream truck on every corner?